Twice Told Tales
Today was Parent-Teacher Conference Day. Few parents came; much time was for to burn. The male teachers slung bullshit stories back and forth to pass the time. Because I thought they were funny, here's a sampling:
(Coach W.) / Snakebit
Now, about 30 years ago, a couple of friends and I were camping in the Mississippi backwoods. We had built a fire and set up tents. It was getting on late in the night when one of my friends decided he had to go to the bathroom. As we were in the woods, he had nowhere to go but in the bushes. I was suspicious of the idea, but he insisted both that he had to go and that he would go in the bushes (some drinking had occurred). Well, it was a "number 2", so he walked off and squat down, and damned if a snake didn't come up and bite him right in the ass.
He howls out, we run to him and find him floundering on the ground, grabbing his ass and screaming. As soon as we figured out the story, we started running to the road, looking for a doctor. It must have been 20 minutes before we hit the road, we hitched to the nearest town, and ran into the local doctor's office. We meet the nurse and tell her that our friend is in deadly pain, bit by a snake; she asks us to wait for the doctor.
In a little while, the doctor comes out. We tell him that our friend has been bit by a snake, and he says to us: "You all were camping, right? Well, I know you have a pinknife with you. What you need to do is get back to your friend and cut two slits crosswise through the fang-holes and suck the poison out--make sure not to swallow it, now. That will buy us enough time for me to finish up with my patients here, and then I'll come to see you and your friend. I'll fix him up right."
After that, we went back to our friend. He was still at the campsite, grabbing his ass, crying and talking about he was going to die. We told him we'd found a doctor and told him about his condition.
He asked, "Well, W, what did the doctor say?"
I told him, "The doctor says you're gonna die. He said there ain't nothin' to do to help you."
---Let me tell you! Aint' nothin' I'm going to suck out of any man's ass!
(Mr. B) / Huntin' Rabbits
You don't believe me, but when you go to hunt rabbits, you got to have a permit. And not only a permit, but a special Rabbit License too. Now, I tell you, this is a story that really happened to a man I know. This friend of mine was out huntin' rabbits. *Boom* Shootin' the shotgun and picks up the rabbit. *Boom* hits another, goes to pick it up. Before long, here comes the game warden. *Boom* man shoots another rabbit, goes and picks it up. Game warden says, "You got a permit for that?" *Boom* man shoots another, picks it up, says "Yeah, I got a permit". *Boom* keeps on shootin' rabbits. Game warden says, "You got a permit for THAT ONE?". Man says, "Yeah, I got that permit too". When the man *Boom* shoots another rabbit, the game warden goes to pick it up, sticks his finger in its ass, pulls the finger out, smells it, and says, "Now this here a Looziana rabbit. You got a permit for that?" Man says, *Boom* shoots again, says, "Yeah, I got a permit for that". Game Warden picks up the rabbit the man just shot, sticks his finger in the rabbit's ass, pulls out, smells it, and says, "Now this here is a Texas rabbit. You got a permit for THAT?" Man says, *Boom* shoots another and says, "Yeah, I got that permit". *Boom* ignores the game warden and shoots another. Game warden picks up THAT rabbit, sticks the finger in the rabbit's ass, pulls out, smells it and says, "This here is an Alabama rabbit. You got a permit for this one?! Or do you need to come with me?" Man says, "I got permits for them all." Game warden calls the bluff: "You got permits for them all? Well, where are YOU from that you've got permits for three states' worth of rabbits?!"
Man pulls down his pants, turns his ass towards the game warden and says, "If you're so damn smart, why don't you tell ME?!"
